Pain and Secrets
by LeonaN
Summary: This is my first try at this so bear with me, and please, tell me what you think. This story follows Kate(the reader) as she deals with some painful memories brought to a head with a bad case. The BAU team wants to help. Will she let them? Warning: will contain anxiety attack and sexual abuse
1. Secrets

Kate watched silently as the team stumbled into the office late that night. It had been a hard, long case. One they wouldn't soon forget, and it had taken a lot out of them. Kate usually worked with Penelope, but since the flamboyant woman was forced out on medical leave, Kate was alone this time, manning the tech side of things. Which wasn't much better than being there in person.

She couldn't hear what was being said, but knew they wouldn't try the paperwork until tomorrow. Rubbing her face with both hands, Kate let out a sigh. With a smile she walked up to the team.

"Good work guys." She said. Her smile almost faltered as the images of the abused bodies of the girls through her mind. Blinking them back she assessed them. Hotch, Rossi, and Morgan looked ready to drop, though trying to hide it. Reid, also tried to hide it, but wasn't successful. Emily didn't care who seen that she was exhausted, and laid her head down on the desk.

"You did good too," Emily mumbled, sounding almost asleep.

Hotch leaned back in his chair and a hand passed over his eyes.

"The paperwork, and reports will wait till tomorrow. I suggest we all get some sleep," he glanced at his watch, "also, since it's almost 01:00, everyone can come in a hour late, including me."

They all made noises of agreement and gratitude, but no one moved from their chairs. Looking around at the heavy eyes that refused to stay open, Kate made a decision.

Clapping her hands once, and startling them, she declared: "none of you are fit to drive, and I'd never forgive myself if I were to let you guys go out alone tonight and one of you fall asleep driving and get hurt or hurt someone else." They all just looked up at her without a word. 'Hmm,' she thought to herself, 'they must be worse off than I thought, wait, this is probably the most they've ever heard me say too... whatever.'

"So, in light of that I demand you all crash at my place. It's just a few minutes, and I'm not going to take another hour taking you all home. And don't worry if you don't have any clean clothes, I gotcha covered."

Emily of course agreed right away. The guys however after processing what I had just said began halfhearted protests. Saying that it was too much trouble and that they weren't really 'that' tired.

"You don't have to do that Kate," Hotch said.

"We can take ourselves home," Rossi agreed.

Crossing my arms I suppressed a small yawn, and put on a stern face.

"You are all exhausted," I stated firmly, "and I couldn't let you guys go out with the chance that you might fall asleep at the wheel. I know you've all probably done it before, but I don't want you to do that. I've got plenty of room in my house and car. Now please. No more arguing," I sighed.

"C'mon guys, just say thank you and let's go," Emily said dragging herself up and grabbing her bag, "I agree with Kate."

After a few mumbled protests, the boys finally gave in and followed the girls to Kate's deep red suburban. Reid and Morgan sat in the back, Hotch and Rossi in the middle and Emily up front with me.

It only took ten minutes to get to my place and by then with sleepy replies I'd gathered that only Reid and Rossi had clean clothes. Emily and I were about the same size so that wasn't a problem, and Morgan and Hotch would fit into my brother and dad's old stuff I thought so that would be taken care of. Hopefully I wouldn't start crying again.

With a deep breath I pulled into my driveway and parked the car. Rousing everyone, they filed out and up to the door. I unlocked it and let everyone inside trying not to think about the questions I was sure they would ask the next morning. Like, why didn't I use the upstairs part of my house?

Stepping inside I kicked my shoes off under the table beside the door, tossing my keys, and bag on the top. After they were all inside, I re-locked the door.

"I'll let you fight over where to crash, but here's the first room, bathroom included," I motioned to the 'master room' first door on the right of the hallway. "There's two more rooms, one with a full bed, the other has two twin beds. Couch is back in the living room," I said pointing to each. "Make yourselves at home, kitchen is that way, help yourself to whatever. Another bathroom at the end of the hall, shower too."

Opening the small door next to the master, I nodded to them all while switching on the stair light.

"I'll be down here, there's another bathroom down here if you need it as well. You are welcome to explore if you want. Goodnight."

After the various nods and mumbled 'night Kate's, I headed down to the basement leaving the top door open.

Emily claimed the master room, and Rossi the full bed. Hotch and Morgan shared the twin beds and sent Reid back to the couch. It didn't take long at all for everyone to be sound asleep. Well, except for me. I closed the bottom door behind me and looked around the basement and wondered what they would make of my house in the morning. Down here standing by the door, I could see everything in the room. To the right, was a small couch, a 40" flatscreen tv and a game system. Behind the couch up against the wall was my desk, simple but covered in papers and paint, and pencils. Beside my desk was a small silver trash can, and a bookshelf stretched with books and phots, then in the corner beside that, was a small refrigerator, that held candy, sodas, and some leftover pizza. A countertop stretched the rest of the back wall, and that's where I had a microwave, coffee maker and toaster. All of which were only plugged in if I was using it. The rest of the countertop was strewn with wood shavings and chips from where I carved, and paint splattered from when I painted my pieces. A box of wood was underneath this area, in the corner. A cheap rolly/spinning chair was used in every spot. To the left was the other bathroom, which had a tiny shower and all my stuff in it. Beside that, a small closed with an ironing board and iron. And lining the left wall almost to the ceiling were boxes full of stuff, from clothes to little trinkets I just didn't want to get rid of. It was needless to say I only used the upstairs when I wanted to use the oven or stove. But I kept the fridge stocked and everything was clean.

Sinking down in my chair, I leaned over and buried my face in my hands. This last case, five kids. Five girls had been kidnapped and molested by someone their families had trusted. One would turn up dead and another would disappear.

My mother had died of cancer when I was three. After my dad and older brother had been killed right in front of me, I was sent to live with my dad's cousin, the only known relative. Oh God I wished I could just forget his hands touching me when I was a kid.

Rolling over to the boxes I pushed back my tears and grabbed two of them. Opening them, a wave of emotion hit me as I remembered my dad and brother wearing these clothes.

"Oh James," I whispered as I pulled out my favorite shirt my brother had worn, and held it close. It was just a simple long sleeve black shirt with three buttons at the top. But it held good memories. I thought the shirt would fit Morgan nicely, and I pulled out a pair of dark jeans. I wondered slightly if they would fit, but they looked about right. Pulling out a slightly bigger pair as well I closed the box and laid them on top. Moving to dad's box I wondered if Hotch would want to wear a suit. Pulling over another box, I opened it to look through dad's suits and dress clothes. Pulling out a very light blue dress shirt and navy striped tie I sat back and thought about dad. He was always there for me. He always knew exactly what to say when I felt down. Sighing, I found a nice dark suit to match, neatly folded. I laid them with the other clothes and moved back to the other box, selecting a dark pair of jeans and dressy, but casual shirt in case he wanted that instead.

Putting back the boxes, I gathered the clothes and took them over to the tiny closet. I slid out the ironing board and plugged in the iron. Fishing through the junk I'd thrown in there, I found hangars to put it all on. I ironed with precision. I knew that my dad's suit should fit Aaron, but I wasn't sure if my brother's would fit Derek. 'Oh well,' I thought quietly out loud, 'if he has to he can just wear his pants from yesterday.'

Finishing my task, I hung the garments on the hangars and tiptoed upstairs to the hallway. Right in the middle of the hallway were hooks. You know, the kind that look pretty and are good for decoration but still useful. I hung the clothes on the wall. Then pinned a piece of paper to each with Morgan on one and Hotch in the other. Then on another hanger I hung a paper that said: 'there are some clothes in the master room that should fit you Emily.'

I looked down at my watch: 03:12, well they all should be getting up in around 4 hours I guessed. 5 at the most. I went back downstairs and set my phone alarm for 06:20, that would give me time to make breakfast and get ready. Then I pulled out the biggest box which was stuffed full of my own clothes. (I kept some in the master room just in case). I decided on my favorite pair of almost black jeans and dark burgundy long sleeve shirt. I then ironed them and laid them on my chair for in the morning along with a grey stretchy tank top that I wore under most of my clothes to cover my scars. (A clean one of course). Flipping on the lamp on my desk I turned off the main light and changed into joggers and a sports bra grabbing a loose tank to throw on in the morning.

Stretching out on the small couch, I propped my feet on the armrest. Throwing an arm over my eyes I tried to shut out the memories this case had brought back. I mean they never went away, but the case made it worse. Hearing about any molestation case did. I tossed the blanket that was over the back of the couch over myself and just tried to breathe slowly and evenly, holding back my anxiety and hoping I wouldn't have a nightmare. Slowly I drifted off to sleep, but woke suddenly with a gasp as I tried to get away from my uncle again. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat up, taking in my surroundings, assuring myself that he wasn't there. I d been through his many times. I tossed the blanket back over the couch and rubbed the tears away. With a deep breath I stood up and checked my alarm. 'Huh,' I thought, 'could've slept another 6 minutes if I hadn't had a nightmare..'

I used the bathroom and tossed my long hair into a bun, then headed upstairs and pulled the tank top over my head. Hoping to avoid everyone for a little while more, I stayed out of sight of the living room and slipped into the kitchen. Used to the dim light, I softly started to pull out some pans and things from the fridge. I stood for a few minutes just catching my breath and giving myself a moment to push away the nightmare. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I thought it would be fine to start now, it was 06:35. Before I did though, I peeked into the living room. Spencer was already up and ready, sitting with his back to me reading what looked to be his second book of the morning. I smiled softly and turned back to what I was doing. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I grabbed my earbuds and played some nice 80's rock. It always reminded me of my parents and brother, it was our favorite playlist. It was sort of comforting in a way. I mixed pancake batter and whisked some eggs while I let the pans warm up a little. Then I cooked the food, pulling out some bacon and frying it up after the eggs were done. I was about to slide the last of the pancakes onto the plate when all that had gone on the last few days and all the memories going through my head and the music that brought other memories with it just hit me and I froze. My mind not able to even process all the emotions going through me.

A moment later, a dark hand took the pan from my hand and turned me around, searching my face.

"You okay?" Derek Morgan asked with concern.

Blinking out of the daze, I muted the music and pulled out the earbuds stuffing them and my phone in my pocket. I glanced around confused for a moment, noticing Spencer standing behind us watching. I looked at Morgan and nodded.

"I-I'm ok," I stuttered softly taking a deep breath. I looked them both over pleased to see they both looked much better than last night. Morgan has already showered and changed, and James' clothes fit him perfectly. With his hand still on my shoulder, I grinned and touched the fabric.

"Looks good on you," I offered, trying to change the subject, holding back the urge to hug him. He let the subject drop to my relief and accepted the compliment with a smirk.

"Whose was it," he asked smugly, "an old boyfriend?"

"Haha," I said sarcastically, "no, it's not from an old boyfriend. It was my brother James'"

I pointed to a picture on the wall beside the clock. It was of me and James. He was hugging me from behind and had lifted me up off the ground. We were both laughing.

"That his daughter?" Asked Spencer who had moved closer to see.

At that comment I had to laugh, confusing the genius.

"No Spencer, that's me," I laughed, "he was sixteen years older than me, I was about eight in that picture I think." I offered starting some coffee in the upstairs pot.

"Was?" Morgan asked gently.

With my back turned I chewed in the inside of my lip, and inhaled deeply.

"Yeah, he, um.. he and my dad died at the same time when I was nine." I answered quietly hoping they wouldn't press further. I knew Hotch knew how that they had died, because he read my file and I had talked to him a few times about it. Hotch was the first man I'd trusted in 14 years, he had willing tried to help me, and that meant a lot. I just wasn't sure I ever wanted to talk about everything that had happened to me.

"How did they die?" Spencer asked innocently curious.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Morgan interjected quickly. I had to smile at that.

I turned and. Inside red them.

"They were both killed," I said knowing they saw the pain and sadness in my eyes. "In front of me," I hadn't actually meant to say that part out loud and I wasn't sure I really had until Morgan slowly reached out and wiped a tear from my face.

"I'm sorry you had to watch that," he said, "if you ever need to talk," he motioned generally, "we're all here."

I nodded and sniffed back the rest of my tears and looked up at them.

"It's been fifteen years," I said quietly. After a moment I knew I needed out of there or I was going to break.

"Well, breakfast is ready," I said with halfhearted cheeriness, "I've gotta go get ready, make sure to save me some," I said grabbing my phone and taking my exit, feeling like I'd burst into tears at any moment.

I barely made it into the small basement bathroom, when he first tears started to fall. I sank down i the small shower, knees pulled up to my chest, as I let go. I didn't let myself scream though. I didn't want to take that chance of the others hearing. And I didn't let myself cry for long, then quickly washed my hair and body. I toweled off as I thought about what the team might ask me. I settled on telling them the truth, but maybe just not the whole truth.

I wasn't really one to talk about what I've been through, and some things, is never had and I wasn't sure if I ever could, but I knew that I should. I had heard about what happened with Morgan and that awful man, Buford, but i felt like I couldn't talk about myself. My situation was almost the same as his, and part of me wanted to talk to him, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Partly because I didn't want to drag up old memories for him, and I didn't want to say it out loud for myself. And now he's offered a listening ear. It was all too much. To realize that I'd finally found a family I knew I could trust after my dad and brother were killed.

I wanted to talk, I needed to talk, hell, I wanted to scream and shout, but I just couldn't. It was just too hard... wasn't it?

After changing into the clothes I'd laid out earlier, I toweled my hair then twisted it into a bun still damp. I clasped my watch on and tossed my dirty clothes in a basket. I stuffed my phone in my pocket then did my makeup. It wasn't much, just a little foundation, powder, and mascara, and chapstick instead of lipstick. I grabbed a rolled up pair of socks and headed back upstairs entering the kitchen, I found everyone was up and ready. Emily wearing one of my simple grey blouses and some dark skinny jeans. And Hotch was wearing he suit, he hadn't tied his tie or put on the jacket yet though. Everyone smiled and said good morning when I grabbed a plate of food and sat in the empty seat beside Hotch and across from Emily, and slid on my socks.

"Thanks for loaning me some clothes," Emily said slowly drinking her coffee.

"Yes, thank you," Hotch said, "whom ever this belonged to had good taste."

I glanced up at him, "it was my dad's," I told him with a small smile, "it looks good on you."

"You have a nice room," Emily continued before he could answer, "I kind of expected you to have more stuff though, Kate, sorry I kicked you out of your room."

"Thanks and apology accepted, though you didn't kick me out." I answered amused.

"It does seem odd that you don't have many things though," Rossi commented standing to place his dishes in the sink.

"Yeah, given the way that you clutter at work, one would think you'd have lots of stuff strewn around." Reid added pouring more coffee. "Especially personal things, but it looks like there's not much at all."

Finishing my food I smiled.

"I spend most of my time downstairs," I said explaining part of the reason why, "most of everything is down there."

"Your basement can't be that big though," Morgan said with a skeptical look.

"Why don't you just come see for yourself?" I suggested. "I like it down there."

"That I will," he said standing with his coffee cup, "I don't believe it."

"Come on!" I said jokingly to the others, "let's go on a field trip!"

With smiles, they all followed me with Morgan close behind. Opening the bottom door and stepping into the small room, I stood aside and let them all in.

"Welcome to my humble abode," I said dramatically bowing.

Gazing curiously around the others took it all in. There were no windows, and there wasn't a door to the outside. Just a simple room filled with things. Reid looked at the bookshelf commenting on some of the books. Rossi went over to the carvings lined up against the wall on the countertop.

"These are impressive," he said inspecting them, "did you do all of these?"

As I joined him the others did as well. Glancing at the small fishing boy he was holding I grinned, "yeah mostly," I answered then moved over to the various boxes against the wall, pulling a rather large one forward from behind some smaller ones.

"My dad did the best ones," I said lifting out a few intricately carved pieces, "I've never really been good at carving realistically."

"These are really good," Emily said turning over a wood duck my dad had made years ago. She then motioned to the other boxes.

"Why keep it all packed up?" She asked.

I shrugged and closed dad's carvings back up and slid the box back into place.

"I don't know," I said rubbing the back of my neck, "just easier to have everything in one place I guess."

Looking at me curiously, she nodded, not pressing further.

"Um, this," I said moving over to the bookshelf and picking up a framed picture, "this is um, my brother James and my dad, and my mom," I pointed to each. In the photo, dad had one arm around mom, who was holding me, I was almost two, and had his other arm tossed around James pulling him close. We all looked so happy. Mom had been so beautiful, I wished I could remember her. "That's me," I pointed to me, "I was almost two."

"Where are they now?" The curious reply came from Emily.

Nervously I rested my left hand at the base of my throat, fingers tapping restlessly. "Mom died of breast cancer when I was three, and dad and James, uh, they were killed fifteen years ago," I told them softly, breathing slowly.

I glanced up at Hotch who handed back the photo and looked at his watch in reply to my silent plea to escape the conversation.

"Well, it's after 07:30 now, we should leave in a few minutes, everyone go get your things together."

"Yeah boss," and "yes sir," was heard as they headed back upstairs.

Hotch lingered a moment linger and studied me for a moment, "You okay?" He asked knowing I wasn't but letting me choose.

For a moment I considered just saying yes, but I knew he knew and he knew I knew that he knew that I wasn't ok. Hotch was the only person I'd ever talked to about my dad and brother, so I wasn't embarrassed to look up at him and gently shake my head no.

"I can't get it out of my head again," I told him with a sigh. it wasn't he whole truth, but it wasn't a lie.

He nodded and rubbed my arm. Then silently pulled me into a much needed hug. It was amazing to me how much I actually trusted this man. I guess he reminded me so much of daddy, that I just couldn't help it. Over the past year, he had helped me a lot, even though he was my boss. He really stepped out of his way to make sure his team knew they could come to him.

With a final squeeze, he offered a small smile and motioned to my brightly socked feet.

"We should head out soon," he said, "we'll meet you in five."

"Yes sir," I said with a deep breath and a smile.

Hotch left knowing there was more I hadn't told him, but he also realized it was as painful as watching my family die. And he knew I would talk when I was ready, or just had to.

I sighed again, then grabbed a light jacket and headed upstairs sliding my phone in one of the zipper pockets. I went to the kitchen first and hurriedly put all the dishes in the sink to wash later. Then went to the table beside the door and pulled my converse out from underneath where I had tossed them. Then plopped down on the floor to properly tie them on. By the time I finished, the team was standing patiently by the door. Standing, I grabbed my bag, jacket and keys off the table then unlocked the door. I locked the door as they headed to the door, then caught up before they could get in. I handed the keys to Hotch and he took the wheel without question, myself in the passenger seat, leaving Morgan and Reid in the back again and Rossi and Emily in the middle. No one said much, but it wasn't really awkward silence, just quiet before walking in to work.

After the short ride, we all climbed out and entered the building. Ready for whatever the day had for us. Knowing they all had paperwork to do, kind of dampened the overall mood, but it wasn't the worst thing in the world.

"Kate," Hotch said before I headed to the tech area and he to his office, "you know where I am if you need me," he said pointedly, knowing he was the only person I fully trusted.

"I know," I said with a smile, turning back to him for a moment.

Satisfied that I'd taken his point, he nodded me on and entered his office. And I made my way to my little abode.


	2. Just a little update

So here comes chaper two, I personally don't think it's as good as the first, I'm not sure if I got the plot right, but it's not bad.. again please, tell me what you think. I ligit stayed up all night writhing this part, I hope it works well, there will possibly be more chapters, I'm just not sure which direction I want to take this story yet. Have a good day y'all!


	3. Finally

Everything went well, for a while, but the task of going through the data and info from the last case and making sure everything was where it should be, was too much. I was able to stay calm for most of it, but around lunchtime, I could feel all the awful things I'd been holding back, trying to break me. Around 13:00, I noticed my hands shaking. Thirty minutes later, I couldn't hold it back and lost reality to a major anxiety attack. I fell beside my desk and clutched at my chest, feeling as though I would suffocate. Tears fell fast and I squeezed my eyes tight, trying to shut out all the memories. I could feel his hands, see the blood as dad and James died, his face. God that man I had lived with, scared to death every day. Oh why hadn't I told? Why didn't I do something about it?

I couldn't get any air in my lungs, on the edge of hyperventilation, I cried even harder. I didn't notice when a form had joined me on the floor calling out my name.

"...te," I finally heard the voice of Morgan, "Kate, sweetheart, it's ok, you're ok," he said gently trying to get my attention.

I forced my eyes open to look at him.

"There you go." He encouraged me, slowly pulling me into him, he breathed deeply, "come on, Kate, breathe with me, you gotta breathe princess."

He hugged me tight making me feel safe and secure. I pressed my body into him as I tried to match my breathing to his own. We sat like this for twenty minutes, he never relaxing his hold and keeping his breath steady as I calmed down.

Finally my breathing got back to normal and I just laid my head back against his chest exhausted. He held me until I forced myself to sit up and wiped the wetness from my face.

"I think you outta talk about whatever this is eating at you," he said gently placing a hand on my arm.

I turned to look at him and didn't try to his the pain.

"I know," I whispered, fresh tears falling, "I never have though," I finished trying to stop my crying.

With both thumbs he swiped the trails from my cheeks and rested his hands on my shoulders making sure I was listening.

"Sometimes we have to talk about things, even when it feels like it will break us. Getting it out will help," his voice soft and understanding, his eyes full of support and concern.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted so bad to just let it all out. I honestly just wanted to scream. But I was scared. I was terrified of re-living it as I said it all out loud. I'd kept this to myself for so long... how was I supposed to tell someone what had happened? What was I supposed to do?

Searching his face, fresh tears rose and my chin shook as I tried to find the words I needed. For a moment I closed my eyes and bowed my head. Still wondering what to say I looked back up and around the room fighting with myself to just tell him. Licking my lips, I looked back into his eyes. He watched me patiently realizing how hard it was for me to think about the past.

"I-," I tried to start, but broke off ashamed That I had never told anyone when I was younger.

"Hey," he squeezed my shoulders gently, speaking softly, "it's ok. If you can't tell me, it's ok. But you do need to talk to someone. Just know that I'm here for you. We all are Kate. You're part of our little family here now, and no matter what, we are here for you."

Nodding tearfully, I fell into his arms and accepted the hug offered. I was starting to open myself to this 'little family', and it felt strange. But good. It had been such a long time since I had had real friends, or family. In the back of my mind I finally knew I could trust these guys.

There was one last protective squeeze, then we stood. Looking around, my mind was going a hundred different ways.

"You gonna be ok?" Morgan asked before he stepped back out of the room.

"Um, yeah," I said lost in thought. "I'll be ok for now." I stated truthfully. "Go back to work," I added playfully, letting a small grin show.

"Alright princess," he said leaving. "You know where to find us."

Nodding at the empty space where he had been, I turned and leaned, palms down on the desk, deciding what I wanted to do. The thought of talking scared me, but I knew I had to.

'Tomorrow is Saturday, and we get the day off,' I thought hard, 'I can just ask Hotch to come over tomorrow afternoon,' I hoped that wasn't weird, I felt most comfortable in my own house. 'Nah, it's fine,' I reasoned with myself, 'he's been over at the others homes, it'll be fine.'

I decided to ask him before we left for the day. Taking a deep breath, I pushed everything back down and cleared my head as best I could. I gathered what courage I could and set to work finishing what I had been doing.

Finally wrapping ng up everything around 18:37, I shutdown my computer and sighed. It had been a long day. Covering a yawn, I grabbed my bag and headed down to see everybody else.

"How's it going guys?" I inquired cheerfully.

"Ugh," Emily said rolling her eyes, "i wish we didn't have to do so much,"

"But on the bright side, we just finished," Reid said looking up, "usually there is more catch-up work."

"Considering, I think we've done pretty good today," Morgan said cracking his usual smile as they began to straighten up their things. "Anybody up for drinks?"

"I'm in," Emily said stacking folders.

"Me too," Reid agreed.

"What about you princess?" Morgan asked.

"No thanks," I said holding up my hands, "I'm going home for more sleep. I'm tired."

"Everybody done yet?" Hotch and Rossi asked walking towards us.

"Finally," Emily answered, "we are going to grab a drink, want to join? Well, Kate's going home, but the rest of us are."

"I'm going home as well," Hotch said grinning at the three.

"Yeah same here," Rossi agreed.

"Well you are all free to go," Hotch said and Rossi moved to leave.

"Have fun," he called over his shoulder as Emily, Morgan and Reid quickly gathered their things and headed out discussing where to go, saying goodbye.

Hotch and I walked out together. Both tired and not saying much. Just before we parted ways to our different vehicles, I spoke up.

"Hey Hotch?" I asked hesitantly.

He paused and turned to me, "yeah?"

I couldn't do it, "have a good weekend," I rerouted my words, and smiled.

"Thanks. You too," he said smiling.

Sitting in my car I sighed and mentally kicked myself.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I said to no one.

It was going to be a long night.

Getting home, I didn't even bother changing. Still kicking myself, I toed off my shoes, pulled down my hair and went downstairs, flipping on the lamp and turning out the other lights, I fell onto the couch, thoroughly exhausted.

A little over nine hours later I woke up screaming in a cold sweat. The blanket was tangled around me making me panic more. When I finally untangled myself I shot up from the couch standing gasping for breath, anxiety moving fast. I knew I couldn't do this alone. I grab my phone, almost dropping it my hands are shaking so bad. Without thinking I press one, speed dialing my boss.

"Hotchner," his sleepy voice answers.

"H-Hotch, I'm s-s-sorry I-I woke you," I said quickly my voice and body shaking too much.

"Kate? are you okay?" He sounded much ore alert, immediately catching my tone.

I couldn't answer right away and my lungs felt constricted.

"Kate?" He asked concern growing in his voice. Hotch was already up and dressed ready to come help.

"N-no," I managed to whisper before I lost grip on the phone and I sank to my knees. I couldn't breathe. Sobs racked my body as I tried so hard to breathe.

Hotch quickly explained to his wife where he was going and took off, still listening as the phone was still connected. He put it on speaker as he drove not liking what he heard. His hands gripped the wheel tightly as he thought about how best to handle the situation. It only took a few minutes before he was there, and he didn't have to worry about getting in because he had a key. Grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen he went swiftly downstairs.

I was half propped against the couch gasping painfully, holding my chest, lost in the past again.

"Kate," Hotch called out wrapping the blanket around me and pulling me into his embrace, "Kate, it's ok you're safe, I've got you."

I felt the touch and for a moment I struggled not realizing who it was. Then as if from far away, I heard him telling me that I was safe. That I wasn't in that horror film of a past.

Reaching out to that voice I pulled myself back to reality and sank into his arms.

"Alright, now," he continued soothingly, "you gotta breathe now, okay? Just breathe, in.. and out.." he repeated several times before I got it and shakily steadied my breaths.

It felt like an eternity before I had calmed down enough to talk, immediately apologizing, "I-I'm sorry," I whispered rubbing at my face, a little embarrassed.

"You don't need to be sorry," he said letting me go as I moved to stand. I started pacing and he sat on the couch watching me, knowing I'd talk when I could.

After a few minutes of pacing and gathering my thoughts, I stoped and halfway turned toward him.

"You're a lot like him," I said gesturing to a photograph of my dad beside the TV. I let out a ragged breath, "when, um... after they were killed, huh," I tried to tell him.

"They found the only known relative of dad's, he was a cousin, I think on his mom's side. Turns out, he didn't live far away, and I was sent to live with him. Everything went fine for the first few months, then he started getting drunk all the time. At first, he'd just yell and stare at me. Or just watch me. It creeped me out. But it kept getting worse. The first time he put a cigarette out in me, I didn't know what to do. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I should tell someone, but I was so scared I didn't know what to do." Silent tears were falling now, as a sat on the armrest of the couch.

I swallowed hard, "he'd hit me occasionally, but then after a while, it seemed to just be fun for him, and he'd go all out." A sarcastic laugh escaped my lips as I remembered, "he always avoided my face and arms, most of the time. But... but when he started coming into my room," I broke off trying to hold back my sobs, "that was worse than anything." I said barely audible. I heard Hotch's breath catch, putting together what I hadn't said, and I slid down into the seat pulling my knees up to my chest. I tried to say the rest, but no words came out at first.

"You don't have to say anymore if you don't want," Hotch spoke softly, his own eyes red and glossy.

After a few tries, I finally found my voice, "I, i need to say it I think," I said into my knees. I was shaking like a leaf in the wind, and it seemed the words weren't there.

Lookin over at him with tears falling, I spoke with trembling voice, "h-he raped me, Hotch, more than just a few times," I broke down sobbing after finally saying the words I was so afraid of. I was ashamed I had never told and part of me blamed myself for that, "I never told anyone," I managed to say through my gasps, "why didn't I tell someone?" I pled with him.

Hotch moved closer, embracing me again, blinking back his own tears. Not even caring that he was my boss right then I buried my face in his shoulder like a child, and held on to him like my life depended on it.

"Shhh," he whispered soothingly, "it's not your fault, you were a child," he stoked my hair like a father comforting a child and he reminded me even more of my dad, "it wasn't your fault, Kate."

Holding me gently, he told me again it wasn't my fault, and I started to believe him. I felt like a elephant was just pushed off my chest, but the pain was still there. I guess it would never go away. It was after 04:00, when I finally pulled away and wiped my face nodding at his words, sniffling and blinking back more tears.

"Thank you," I said softly with a hint of a smile.

He nodded and smiled, though we were both still troubled. But I knew I'd be okay now.

"So," he said after a moment, "you say I'm like your dad?"

I smiled and nodded.

"Yes," I reached for the photo, "he was strong, smart, always knew how to help. Or he'd always find a way to help. In a way me, him and James, we were a team. We had to work together to make our little family work. Dad was the leader. He made sure we knew he was there for us no matter how small we thought our troubles were. He'd offer advice and he made sure we stayed a family. James as well. I miss them so much." I looked up at Hotch, "but look at me now, I've got another family. You guys will never replace them, but you're pretty darn close." I laughed softly and he smiled.

My smile faded though.

"How am I supposed to tell them?" I asked more to myself than him.

"When and however you feel like you should," he said looking me in the eye, "they are all there for you as well."

"I know, I just don't know how to tell them, and I," i paused, "I don't want to drag up old memories for Morgan either." I finished quietly hesitant I should mention it.

Understanding, Hotch caught my gaze, "Morgan would be the first one to understand and support you. Yes, it's painful for him, but there's no doubt in my mind that he would be there for you just as much as anyone else."

"I know," I nodded, "he actually talked me down from an anxiety attack yesterday," I told him, "he told me that I needed to talk about what was going on, even though it felt like it was going to break me." My eyes tears up again, but not with sadness this time. "This whole team warmed up to me so quickly and have been there for me, but I've been so caught up in not trusting people I couldn't see just how much of a family we were. Penelope and Emily are the sisters I never knew I wanted," I said truely smiling as I thought about it, "Morgan and Reid, they're the brothers I didn't realize I needed, and you and Rossi, well, you're like the uncles/fathers who take care of everyone." I shrugged happily; I finally had a family I knew I could count on.

"Yeah, I guess that's true," he said laughing.

I rubbed my face, thinking again.

"Would you tell Rossi?" I asked brows drawn together lost in thought.

"Are you sure?" Hotch asked making sure that's what I really wanted.

I nodded, chewing on the inside of my lip(an awful habit really) "I think so," I said, "I'd like him to know. Does he know about dad and James?"

"He only knows that they were killed," Hotch told me knowing I was talking a big step, even though it was he who would bear the news.

"Could you, maybe tell him about that too?" I asked, "I just think it would be better to have more than one person who knew everything. I'd like to tell the others when I can, but I think Rossi should know now." I looked at him troubled, "does that make sense? Is that wrong thinking?"

Hotch smiled, "it's not wrong thinking. I agree with your assessment, I'll have a talk with him."

I visibly relaxed some.

"Ok." I said nodding. Picking up my phone I checked the time. It was almost 05:00. "You should get back to your wife, and Jack." I said smiling. "Go have fun the rest of the weekend."

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked making sure he didn't need to stay.

"Yeah I'll be fine." I told him, "I'm going to take a nice long shower then maybe carve something or read lots of books, and listen to music. I'll call if I need you."

"Okay." He stood, "take care, Kate, remember, you can talk to any of us."

"I know, Hotch," I said offering a small wave as he turned to leave. "Thank you again."

He smiled back and left. I had a feeling it was going to be a restful and good weekend. (I was right).

Finally, I had finally told.


	4. What did he do to you?

**Sorry it is taking me a while to write more, I just couldn't choose which road I wanted to take this story down, but hopefully this is the right one. (Oh, and I want to add, I forgot to write in J.J... oops. So I guess we will just have to pretend that she was indeed in the past two chapters- sorry about that)**

** Warning: language, and this might have descriptions of victims, and other things(not entirely sure yet) and may also have descriptions of anxiety, and murder. There may also be other things... (ps, I'm actually not sure what all will be in this chapter- this story may or not be very accurate, but it's just the way I dreamed it up)**

** Thank you for the encouragement, it's the motivation I need to actually get this done. With love to all, here's the next part:**

Walking into work Monday, I felt... well, happy. It was Penelope's day back, and I had finally got a big chunk of the weight off my shoulders. I ended up being a few minutes late (which was kind of a habit), but I knew everything was under control. I rushed up to join Pen, wondering where the others were. On my way, I noticed they were all in the briefing room, **(side note: if it's called something different, I can't remember... so yeah) **

Sliping in with a sheepish smile I took my seat hoping I hadn't missed much. Morgan slid a tablet over so I could catch up with the case. I nodded my thanks as J.J. continued.

I swiped through the information quickly, reading everything that had been put together so far, and memorizing it.

"This is Jean Dwight, just turned seventeen," J.J. said pulling up a picture of a smiling brunette woman, "she went missing two years ago, which makes her now, nineteen."

"And, she was just found dead," Pen said bringing up some more pictures.

"Hands and feet were bound, she was gagged and according to the med reports, she was raped, starved, and beaten. Lacerations and bruisings all over her body, and what looked like a few stab wounds, also some head wounds. The cause of death was strangulation."

"Well didn't they do a rape kit? They'd be able to find out who it was.." Morgan asked confused.

"Well, they did, but the body was clean. Really clean. Except for the dirt and grass from where they found her. The clothes were the same that she had gone missing in, and they had been thoroughly cleaned as well." J.J. explained.

"Even her hair is done," Reid said studying the photos, "whoever did this wanted her to look pretty."

"Is there anything else to go on?" Hotch asked.

"Not really, according to the reports from two years ago, she didnt have many friends and no boyfriend. The parents say she was normally happy." J.J. told us.

"What about a phone or computer?" Emily spoke up.

"The phone is gone and so is the computer," Penelope said shaking her head.

"So we are probably looking for a male," Rossi said looking at the others for our thoughts.

"Yes, probably in his twenties to late thirties," Hotch added gaining nodds from the rest of the team.

"Who is into pretty brunettes, but who aren't very popular." Morgan interjected.

After a little more discussion, Morgan and I were headed to the girl's home to talk to her parents and look at her room, while Reid, Emily, and Rossi went to talk to the local police. Hotch and J.J. stayed with Penelope, waiting for more information.

Nothing much was said on the way to the house, but I was tense. I hated these cases.

"I'm Agent Morgan, and this is Agent O'Neal," Morgan told the girl's parents when they opened the door, "FBI." We showed our badges and were invited inside.

"Please, have a seat, I'm George Dwight, and my wife," the father said motioning, "Karla."

"Do you know what happened to Jean?" Karla asked, though she already knew the answer.

"No, Mrs, Dwight," I said gently, "but we will do everything we can to find who did this."

Morgan nodded in agreement.

"Is there anything you can tell us about your daughter?" He asked after we all settled in the living room. "Even if it seems unimportant, it may be helpful."

The couple looked at each other, not knowing where to start.

"Jean was always positive, she didn't have many friends, but it didn't seem to bother her." Karla started trying to remember anything that could help.

I smiled softly, "did she have maybe a best friend? Or a boyfriend?" I asked.

"She hung out sometimes with one girl, Lanie Ray. She had a crush now and then, but Jean didn't have a boyfriend." Karla reminisced.

"Do you think she might have hidden anything from you?" Morgan asked not trying to be disrespectful.

"I don't think so," George answered slowly thinking back. "She was very open to us, sometimes she would act a little down, but it didn't seem to be anything serious."

George looked at his wife and she agreed.

"Jean would always talk with us if there was something wrong, at school or anything."

"It sounds like you had a good relationship with her," I said, "May we see her room?" I asked.

"Um, yes, I guess." The mother said standing.

The parents looked a little confused, but cooperated politely. They led the way up the stairs to their daughter's room; which had been left exactly the way it was when she had been there. It looked normal. Mirror and desk, makeup strewn about, clothes rumpled in a corner where she had tried on different outfits before choosing one, bed mostly made, notebooks, pencils and pens, jewelry on hooks. Purses hung on the closet door, a few stuffed animals on the bed, books on a shelf by the bed, cd's in a stack against the shelf and small keepsakes and pictures pinned to a cork board. Scarves, belts and hats hung from a ceiling fan, and a smaller fan stood plugged in by the desk. Craft supplies was threwn in a large box and other square cubby boxes lined the underside of the bed and in a nine square shelf. Under the desk were more journals and folders, all decorative and organized.

"You mind if we look around for a few minutes? We are just going to look for anything that might help tell us something about what happened." Morgan told them.

"Yeah, if it'll help figure this out, I guess it's ok." Karla said nodding to her husband.

I moved to the desk and carefully began looking through Jean's things.

"Hunny, it's 10:45, if I don't leave now you know how my boss'll be." We heard George whisper, "you'll be ok?" He asked willing to stay home if she needed.

"I'll be fine George," she answered kissing his cheek. "You should go."

Nodding he gave his wife a hug then left nodding to us in turn. Karla stood uncertain by the door for a moment, then decided to leave us alone in the room.

"I'll be just down the hall if you need anything, there's some bottled water in the fridge downstairs if you get thirsty." She looked tired and sad.

After she had left, we started to look more thourouly. Flipping through the journals under the desk I found that they were mostly sketch books, most unused, but four had many drawings and doodles covering their pages. A lot of the images were flowers, some had a photo taped beside it showing what she had drawn.

"Well, she likes flowers," I said moving on to the folders. In these I found tracing paper with a series of overlaying images. "Wow," I handed a few to Derek, "she was good."

"Yes she was," We talked in low voices, "there's some over here too, looks like she was working on coloring them in." He showed a clipboard with colored pencils on her bed.

Putting back the drawings, I stood and looked at the cork board. There were lots of Polaroid pictures and random things from different places she had visited. Taking the few pictures that had someone else in them with Jean, I handed them to Morgan then kneeled down to look inside the cubby drawers she had slid under her bed.

"These are either family, or those few friends she had,"Morgan said looking them over. He was now looking at the nine square shelf. Carefully pulling out one drawer at a time and examined the contents.

"Found anything else yet?" I asked, pausing. Before I pulled out the drawer closest to the head of the bed.

"No, not yet." He answered. Then out of curiosity he asked me a question. "Was your room like this as a teenager, Kate? It must have been full of stuff." He teased glancing over as I sat back on my heels. I stared at him for a moment.

"Not really, most of the stuff from the house was moved to a storage shed after daddy and James died, and I didn't have much to keep in my room." I knew my tone had changed, I also knew he would pick up on that, so I leaned forward to look through Jean's things.

"Where did you live after that happened?" He inquired.

My hand stopped just above the papers inside the drawer and I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"Let's just talk about this later, Derek, please," I asked trying to hide the desperate tone I took.

He looked at me with a look that held confusion and understanding and let the questions drop.

"Alright," he said; I knew he would bring it back up later, and we turned back to what we were doing.

I closed my eyes for a second then looked to see what these papers were. Some were story outlines, some were Marvel's Avengers fan fictions, a few which were checked off and marked posted. The drawer was filled with these, they looked to be just thrown in here. I reached to the bottom and felt a book. Curious, I lifted out all the papers and set them to the side, then stared at the black moleskine notebook underneath it all. Carefully I pulled it out and opened it.

"Hey Derek," I said flipping through the journal, "I think I've got something."

He joined me on the floor as I sat back and flipped to the last entry. I read the page then handed it to him. It was from the day before she went missing.

"She didn't have a boyfriend, at least one she had met." I said gravely.

He read the page then closed the book.

"She wrote that she had told Janie," he commented, we need to find out who Janie is."

We finished looking through the room, then gathered the few things we had found.

"Mrs. Dwight?" I called down the hall as we exited the room.

She came out of a room and came toward us.

"Did you find something?" She asked indicating the notebook, photos and few papers we held.

I glanced over at Morgan before answering, he nodded, "we think we might have found something to help us," I said reassuringly.

"We were wondering though, if any of these photos were of Janie, and if you are okay with us taking these with us," Derek added holding out the Polaroids.

Mrs. Dwight took them and held one out.

"This is Janie," she explained quietly, "and yes, if you think you need to take them you can."

"Thank you Mrs. Dwight, do you know where we can find her? We think it might be helpful to talk to her." I told her.

"I don't," she said shaking her head. A worried expression formed.

"Don't worry," Morgan said gently taking the photo, "we'll find her. Can you tell us who are in these other three photos?"

"They are my niece and nephews, Haley, and the twins, Sean and Fred," she explained, wringing her hands.

We asked a few more questions about Jean then decided it was time to leave.

"Thank you for your time," Derek said befor we stepped out the door, "we will do everything we can to get to the bottom of this."

"Thank you." Karla said then closed the door behind us.

Morgan snapped a pic of Janie and sent it to Pen, "hey hot stuff," he called, "I'm sending you a pic of Janie Ray, can you find her?"

"Of course I can sugar," Penelope answered in her usual flirty manner, "who is she?"

"She was Jean's friend, we got a lead."

"Ooh, go get em tiger, I'll send you the address."

"Yep you got it, baby girl. You're the best!"

"You know it."

Derek hung up the phone, and we climbed in the vehicle. Putting on our sunglasses, we waited a minute for the address. Getting it, we punched it into the gps and drove out to meet Janie. She was at work in a restaurant.

"No, I don't know who it was," Janie told us genuinely, after we found her, "she wouldn't tell me his name or where she was going. I tried to tell her it wasn't a good idea, but she made me promise I wouldn't tell. I wasn't in the state at the time, I was out visiting with family. I- I really don't know why I didn't tell anyone anything. I guess I just... I don't know." Janie choked up and wiped away the tears that threatened to fall.

Nodding gravely, I reached out a hand and rubbed her arm, "sometimes we don't tell people the things that we should after something happens," I told her, "this isn't your fault, and we will do everything we can to get to the bottom of this. We're sorry this happened."

"Thank you," Janie said, trying to smile, "Jean was always so nice, I wish I had been a better friend, maybe this wouldn't have happened."

"Thank you for your help," Morgan said after a moment. "If there is anything else you think of, here's our number." He handed her a card.

"I will," she slipped the card into her jeans pocket, "I need to get back to work," she told us spying her boss looking at her.

We left and Morgan updated Hotch after we climbed in the car. After he hung up, we sat in semi awkward silence for a few minutes.

"So, it's later now," Derek broke the silence pointedly.

I sighed, "yeah it is.." I said quietly.

"So are you gonna tell me?" He asked gently.

"I was sent to live with my dad's cousin," told him after a moment, staring at my hands.

"You didn't like it there," he said as a statement rather than a question, glancing over.

Quick, hot tears formed and I grimaced, "no, I hate him," I said barely above a whisper. "I'm glad that bastard's dead," the last part was more to myself than for him, but he got the point.

Morgan's brows drew together as he thought for a minute. I felt my anxiety creeping up and I slowed my breathing holding it back. I fiddled with the edge of my shirt, feeling a little claustrophobic. I really wanted out of the car.

"What did he do to you?" Morgan asked slowly, sensing how sensitive and painful the subject was.

My breath caught in my throat as a single tear fell from my eye. It was a good thing we were on a back road because I needed out of the car, now.

"Morgan pull over." My voice shaky and urgent.

Without hesitation he pulled tot he side of the road and switched off the motor. Fumbling with the seatbelt, I basically threw myself from the car, grasping the door as I fell to my knees on the ground. Derek moves quickly and squatted beside me, concern clear on his face. Knowing I couldn't hold back this attack any longer I tried to tell him what I could.

"Th-things, things you should n-never do to a c-chil-d." I managed to rasp before oxygen seemed to abandon me.

Morgan's heart clenched at the words. He didn't even want to imagine what all he had done to me. With new understanding and sympathy, he urgently tried to calm me down.

"Whoa, princess," he gathered me up in his arms, "c'mon, breathe, breathe for me."

I leaned into him knowing already this wouldn't be a long attack. I wasn't lost in the past, I was just panicking at the anticipation of my anxiety, (yeah I know panicking because I don't want to panic). Grounding myself, I forced myself to listen, look, smell, and feel. I heard birds, Derek, and myself, I saw the arms protectively holding me, grass, and the sky, I smelled Derek's cologne, the air and dirt, I felt my heart beat, my friend, and the ground. Gradually I steadied myself and took deep breaths, and my heart rate slowed. I allowed myself to stay in his grasp a moment longer relishing how I felt safe.

I stood and he followed.

"You okay?" He asked after I had wiped my face and sighed deeply, looking into my eyes.

I looked over at him and bit the inside of my bottom lip. I had to be honest with him, I owed him more than that.

"No.." I shook my head speaking softly. "It was bad Derek," tears rolled freely down my face, but thankfully I didn't feel like I was about to lose it.

"The things he did... I was with him until just before my sixteenth birthday. He drank himself to death." I didn't know what to say.

Searching for my words, Derek silently let me think.

"H-he... I've never had a boyfriend and i can't drink, it took me years to not flinch and jerk away when a man touched me, in any way. I broke Friday night.. well actually Saturday morning, but anyway... Hotch is the only person I had ever talked to about anything, and I'm not sure what would've happened if I hadn't called him. He was the first person I had ever told what happened to me. I don't know why I never told, it was stupid of me. I wanted to tell you Friday, but the words just wouldn't come out. I know you were worried and I thank you for that, and I don't know why really you all have been so nice to me, I don't know why you want to be my friends. I've done nothing but hide things since I first met you and I know I'm not good at having fun, and you guys have never been mean to me and I just feel so useless a-and like a failure..."

"Hey, hey, stop," Morgan cut me off gently, turning my head to look at him, "you're not stupid, or useless or a failure, yes you hid things, but so do we all. But sometimes our darkest secrets need to be acknowledged. Sometimes it does feel better to have it all out.. I had to learn that the hard way. I didn't really have much choice when my secret was let out. And you, you hit a low point, but you sought help and you let it out, you are strong. Stronger than most of us. You've held on to this and pushed people away, yes, but you found people you could trust and you started to let down those beautifully constructed walls. And yes trusting is scary. Maybe even terrifying. Letting people into your life after making sure they couldn't for so long must be incredibly difficult, but you're doing it. In spite of your anxiety, in spite of all the pain, you're pushing through. And yeah you almost pushed yourself a little far in the wrong direction, but you've turned around. You will be okay, because you're strong and smart and a success." He smiled reassuringly, wiping away the tears with his thumbs.

"Thank you," I whispered softly smiling back.

"C'mere," he held open his arms and motioned with his head.

With a teary chuckle I accepted the hug, wrapping my arms around his torso, I could hear his heart and I didn't want to let go. He held me tightly before letting go, saying we should get going. I agreed and we climbed back into the car, feeling better and putting our minds back to the case at hand. Leaning my head back, I tried to keep my eyes open. I always got sleepy after a good cry. Propping up my head with my hand holding the seatbelt I unsuccessfully fought sleep.

Morgan smiled when he looked over and saw I had fallen asleep. But the smile faded a little as his mind flowed back to what I had told him. He hated that I had to go through that. He hated how bad it obviously had gotten. And part of him wondered what all had happened to me...


	5. What Happened to Lanie?

**Sorry this is really late, I've been.. struggling with some things. But here we are, next chapter: **

The rest of the day was unsuccessful in trying to find out what had happened those two years ago. But after a night of fitful sleep for myself, we were all back at the office ready to try again.

Getting my second cup of coffee, black, with one spoonfull of sugar, of the hour, I rubbed my eyes knowing I must have dark half moons underneath.

"Late night?" Emily teases.

I smirked tiredly and shrugged, "maybe," I played along for the moment.

JJ laughed as she walked by, "what was it? Another Lord of the Rings date?" She asked referring to a few months ago when they had found out I had binge watched the whole trilogy.

"Ha. Ha. Ha." I said sitting down offering no further information.

"Guys," Penelope said urgently walking up, "guys Lanie's gone. I got a report that says a family member called the police this morning after she never came home and no one could reach or find her. I tried her cellphone, but the battery must be out," she looked worried, "At the moment, i don't know where she is."

I looked over at Morgan, where could she be? Was Lanie involved with whatever had went on? Or did someone just think she knew something? We have to figure this out.

After a bit of discussion, we left Reid to look over Jean's journal again and JJ and Emily to look through survalence and whatever else they could find. Derek and I went back out to where we had found Lanie the day before.

"I'm the boss," a average height, stocky dark haired man said wiping his hands with a towel as he walked over to us. He tosses the towel over his shoulder and shook our hands, "Tony," he told his name, "what can I do ya for?"

"Agents Morgan and O'Neil," Morgan told he man, "FBI, we were here yesterday to talk to one of your employees, Lanie, can you tell us when she left yesterday?"

"Oh Lanie? She left not long after y'all was here, some guy came in and told her somethin then left. Then about, I don't know, five minutes later she just left," he shrugged, "what's she do so bad to get the FBI involved?"

"We can't disclose any information sir, do you know who the man was?" I asked.

"Ehh, I don know, probably a boyfriend or somethin, been here a couple times before."

"Can we see your survalence video?" Morgan asked.

"Yea sure, back here," Tony lead the way. "Look I gotta get back to work, just don't mess nothin up, k?"

"We won't, thank you for your time Tony." I said and he strode back to the kitchen.

Morgan got out his phone as I sat down at the computer and started typing back to yesterday's video.

"Hey Baby Girl, we've got survalence from her work, you got anything around?" Derek asked Pen.

"You got it handsome," he could hear her typing away, "who we looking for?"

"Not sure yet, we'll send you pics when we got em."

"I'll be waiting."

They hung up and I pointed to the screen, while plugging in my phone, "got him Derek," I told him downloading the feed, "give me just a minute and I'll send it to Pen.

"Alright, you finish here, I'll hit see if any of the other employees know anything." Morgan moved out of the small room to the others.

After a few minutes, I'd finally got what we needed and I went to find Morgan.

"Thank you for your time," he told a small brunette girl as I caught up to him.

"Did you get anything?" I asked after she had walked away.

"His name could be Andrew or Karl," he shook his head, "other than that, I'd doesn't seem she ever talked about him, and avoided questions about him."

"Well, we got pictures," I said holding up my phone, Penelope should get something soon.

Just as we were getting back in the car, Derek's phone rang, "what ya got for us hot stuff?"

"Video from across the street got both of them getting into a dark blue sedan, tinted windows, it's too far away to make out the driver, but they went right, away from town." I'll keep looking and run facial rec, see if we get anything."

"Good work" he slid his phone back in his pocket, "not much to go on," he sighed.

"A girl goes missing two years ago, turns up beaten, and, raped," I cleared my throat uncomfortably, "and now, her best friend just leaves with a mystery man right after we talk to her.. What on earth is going on here?"

"Morgan pauses before getting in the drivers seat, "I don't know, but I have a feeling we need to find out soon before someone else turns up dead."

We sighed and climbed in, "yeah," I agreed, "we need to figure this out."

Back at base, we waited impatiently for a lead. Reid didn't find anything that seemed to lead to anything in he diary, but had decided to go back over it again, looking for any small detail that might suggest something. The computer and ourselves were still trying to find Lanie and whoever the others were with her, but were coming up empty. It was an awful feeling knowing we just found a girl dead and now we had just lost her friend and couldn't find her. It was bad enough to find Jean dead, but to lose more people in the process of trying to figure out what had happened on the first day we had even reached out... what the hell was going on?

I sighed and ran my hands through hair. I was so exhausted, mostly mentally. Today just wasn't a good day. I could feel the tension in my head of an unavoidable, oncoming migraine. 'Great,' I thought to myself, 'today is just a wonderful day..'

I grabbed my bag from beside my chair and dig through it trying to find the medicine bottle, it had to be in there, already, the lights were getting too bright and I was nauseous. Frustrated I started pulling things out and setting them on the table ignoring the looks from the others. Pressing one hand to my head, I used my legs and table to hold my bag while I squinted at the contents. Finally finding what I needed, I handed the bottle to Rossi who was sitting beside me.

"Will you open that?" I said softly, "give me two of them." I pushed my journal, pens, pencils, extra pair of socks, scrunchie, compact, chapstick, hand sanitizer, my Perks of Being a Wallflower book and earbuds back into my bag and accepted the pills Rossi held out. I dry swallowed them and tossed the bottle in with my other things. Usually I caught it before it was this bad, but this one was sneaky. I pulled a piece of sweet mint gum from my pocket and popped it in my mouth to help with my nausea as I stood and mumbled that I would be back in a few minutes. Quickly I made my way to the restroom and leaned heavily on the sink.

Turning on the cold water, I ran it over my hands. Shaking off the excess water, I placed my hands on either side of my forehead and pressed. It helped a little. Hopefully it wouldn't be too long before I could go back and join them.

(Back in the room)

Confused, the others looked at Rossi for an explanation.

"Migraine," he said, he looked slightly worried, but didn't say anything else.

"I'm going to go check on her," Emily said quietly standing up. Everyone nodded and looked back to their work knowing Emily could take care of it.

"Kate?" I heard Emily call to me, though softly. To my right, he door opened slowly and Emily came in.

My hands still on my temples, I squinted at her, "I'm okay Em," I mumbled.

"Here," she held out a bottle of water she had grabbed ont he way, "drink some." Her voice was soft and gentle. I accepted the bottle and took a swig of the cold liquid. I stepped back and leaned against the wall closing my eyes.

Emily joined me against the wall. "Migraines suck don't they?" She said after about fifteen minutes.

"Yeah they do," I agreed, rubbing my face and taking a deep breath feeling a bit better. We stood this way for a few more minutes, in comfortable silence. I was glad someone was with me, even if we weren't talking.

"I think we should probably go back," I said eventually straightening my shoulders and sighing. "Thank you."

"No problem," she smiled.

Back in the room, I saw Penelope typing away concentrating on her screen. The others looked at me slightly concerned, but Pen caught our attention with a startled exclamation.

"Oh! Look! We got a hit on him!" She quickly pulled up any information she could. "Looks like his name is Jack, Jack Doorm, 31, 6'1", grey eyes, brown hair, aand, no record of owning a house or renting, He has two charges of assault both five years ago." She paused, scanning her screen, "I still don't know where they ar- oh! Found the car!"

"Well we know who he is, and where he car is. It's a start." Hotch said standing, "Rossi, Prentiss, come with me, we'll go look into it, Garcia, send us the address."

"You got it boss."

I let my eyes close and leaned my head into my hands relieved I wasn't having to do anything right now.

"Everyone else stay here, see if you can't find out more." Though I couldn't see Hotch looked at me pointedly, silently telling the others to make sure I was alright.

"We'll check in as soon as we get something."

Rossi laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed comfortingly as he passed me, I looked up and gave a small smile.

"Go to my office, lie down and rest for a while," Rossi told me softly, "you look like you didn't sleep at all last night."

I nodded, but didn't move. To be honest, I didn't want to be alone. The lights weren't helping me any nor the noise, but there was something in the back of my mind that just kinda made me not want to be alone or to sleep.

After the three left, Reid, and JJ went to go do other things. I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my face. Morgan was talking to Penelope quietly. They both turned to me when I tilted my chair and almost fell out slapping my hands on the table as I jerked out of my half-sleep. They both looked concerned and Morgan a little amused. I smiled sheepishly when Morgan held a hand toward me.

"Let's go princess," he said lifting my bag and leading me out with a reassuring nod to Penelope.

"I heard Rossi. And agree with him. I also know that you're not going unless someone makes sure you do."

I followed silently, pondering if there was any way I could get out of this. In the short walk though, I knew it was unavoidable.

'Why do I have to be so weak?' I thought as we got to the door. 'Why is it now after so many years of being able to hide it all... why can't I just be strong about it all?'

"Alright," Derek said setting my bag beside the small couch. "Nice comfy bed, just for you." He smiled.

I just stood there, arms hugging myself, though I did manage a half smile. My eyes searched the floor, and a small part of me wished he would leave, so I wouldn't have to be seen as weak. I wanted others to think I was strong.

"You alright?" He asked gently.

Swallowing thickly, I gritted my teeth.

"Kate, c'mon," he urged, "what's going on?"

"I, I just, I don't know," I ended quietly brows drawing together.

Derek waited patiently as I searched my thoughts.

"I guess it's just that I've never really had anyone I could trust before, and I've kept everything hidden for so long..." my voice broke, "it scares me in a way. I know I can trust all of you, I know I have a family here, but it scares me. A small part of my mind keeps telling me that it's not true, that you'll all desert me or something, I don't know, I've never been able to trust anyone. It's stupid I know," I sighed squeezing my arms closer, I closed my eyes against the tears that pressed, "I'm stupid," I whispered more to myself than anyone.

"You're not stupid Kate," Morgan whispered understandingly.

"I'm scared for no reason though," I say voice wavering slightly.

"It's not for no reason. And it's ok to be scared." He squeezed my shoulders, watching my face.

I nodded and sighed, "I hate the way I think."

"I understand that," he smiled at me. "Right now you need that rest though."

"I'll try," I bit my lip, then sat down.

"We are just down the hall." Morgan handed me the blanket. "Lights?"

"Can you leave on the desk lamp?" I shifted uncertainly.

"Absolutely." He switched it on and flipped off the main light. "Need anything else?"

I shook my head softly and curled my legs up.

"I'll come back in about an hour or two, unless something comes up." He exited the room leaving the door ajar.

With a deep breath, I pull out my phone and headphones. Turning on some soft music, I rested my head on the armrest and fell asleep shortly after.

**... So, I know it's short and doesn't really give much info, but it's all I've got at the moment. I can't promise anything, but im going to try to get out the next part somewhat soon. Luv you guys. **


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